Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Chopper Live

Paul Junior
Paul Senior Team Senior: Innovative and  probably the best performing bike
Jesse James Jessie's cluster fuck cycle. Lay off the weed Jessie and get that ego in check.

Let's be honest Paul Jr had the best bike but Paul Sr's bike bike was a close 2nd and if it had been the winner I would not have bitched. The worst piece of shit was Jessie James' bike. The chopper the Fast and Loud Guys built was lame. Let's tell it like it is, the Teutuls kicked ass. As great and exciting as the show was it was not fat friendly. There was not one fat freindly motor cycle among the bunch.

Official voting results: 

1 – Team Junior (58%)
2 – Team Fast N’ Loud (20%)
3 – Team Jesse (13%)
4 – Team Senior  (9%)

My call:

1 – Team Junior the clear winner
2 -  Team Senior 
3 – Team Fast N’ Loud
4 – Team Jesse 

At least Lynyrd Skynyrd was the band and while the Sweet Home Alabama is lame Johnny Van Zant the lead singer is a fatling. I was disappointed that Mikey Teutul was not there. He reminds me of a young Fat Bastard... He's fat and wise beyond his years. I think that what was missing was more fat people and a fat freindly bike.  Earth to Chopper Live: Fat people ride motorcycles!  Many news sites like MRN Space Dot Com are reporting on it. Here are some examples.

We start with this big bad boy in blue. Look at him, he's just dripping fat. He both disgusts and intrigues me at the same time. Look at his suspenders. Why do you have those? You know you don't really need them. You just like to tease. I'll name him "Chester McFattiepants."

fat guy on bike

Next we have this magnificent son-of-a-bitch. He's just chilin' riding around the in the valley, picking up every sweet skank you can find. And who could blame him? Wouldn't you if you were this much of a sex machine? I know what you're thinking ... where can you buy such a awesome belt? It's actually not a belt, it's the equator. ba da ching I'll name him "Larry Fatintire."

fat guy on bike2

- Now look at this rough rider. Our first FGOB (Fat Guy On Bike) to have a proper sized bike. Which sort of makes me sad. It's like he has no appreciation of what looks silly. I don't care for him. I'll call him "Adolf McFatFat."

fat guy on bike 3

- Say hello ladies to this succulent sack of hunk. He's just going for a stroll on his totally baller-ass bicycle. He can't afford a motorcycle, or a bra. Who wins in that situation? That's right, all of us! Every day long he goes all Lance Armstrong on his neighborhood then breastfeeds African babies Salma Hayek style. He's a prince among men, a new hero for our time. I'll name him "Fats McTittievile."

fat shirtless guy on bike

- Oh sweet jeebus tap-dancing Chris Brown, look at this mound of muffin man and his attractive Llama. It's the helmet that keeps him so aerodynamic. But it's the shorts that get him so much play. Awesome outfit ... check. Basket on bike ... check. Llama ... check. Someday we'll build monuments to this glorious bastard. I'll name him "Sir. Stanely McFatelot."

fat guy bike llama

- You like it when a guy goes off road, right ladies? You know what I mean. Then you'll love this next bundle of bad-ass. Just try and watch the road when you see this exquisite specimen flying by you at 120 miles per hour. Just try. You wont be able to, because seeing this playboy take his crotch-rocket on some sweet jumps, is more awe-inspiring than bald eagles, the moon landing, and Carson Daly devouring a baby combined! I'll name him and his backpack "Flashy McFatfatfatfat."

fat guy on bike

- Finally we have this joker. Hey dum-dum, that's not a bike. What's the point? I just plain don't care for you sir. And now when my house fire has to be put out, it's gonna smell like ass. I will name you nothing. You don't deserve a name.

fat guy not on a bike

Here some more random big belly bikers

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOve over Robbie Kenevel let's see you do what mortorcycle daredevil Fatty Baluca is doing here. You lack the weight, courage and girth to handle a cycle and do tricks that can only be done by skinny kids on trick bikes.

BBB does not mean Better Business Bureau. Belly Belly Bob on his sexy Suzuki. His belly and boob ballast help keep the front wheel on the road.


Marty Moonsem gives drivers a real treat displaying his ample ass crack.This massive meat cyclist motors down a highway of ham in a half moon kinda way. Normally when a fat guy moons it's a quick pressed ham against a passenger side window. This tub of gluttonous goo is the Hellmans Angels of mooning


Ass, Gas or Grass Nobody Rides for Free! Butterina Bowlingball uses her heavenly hogger heft to create a hail of sparks.  A hog should be riding a Harley Hog but seeing on a crotch rocket is a nice juxtaposition.


Mac Meaterson don't need no stinking helmet. His meat face and bulbous belly is all the protection he needs.